Purpose.

Hannah Balogun
​GMD

2019, wowza.
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Christmas break is over, I've eaten way too much, I think my brain is semi-dead because of all the movies I've watched, and my sleeping pattern couldn't be more messed up...
But no regrets. So I keep telling myself anyways.

I'm back at work, and I guess the beginning of the year is slow because all I've done today is:
- pointlessly search through Google whilst dozing at my desk hoping no one sees
- taking a stroll to a 'hipster' coffee shop with my boss to get a free cappuccino and almond croissant because I'm sure   he saw me dozing off (although that croissant was yum in my tum so I'm not complaining)
- eating my lunch, not out of hunger, but out of boredom
- more Google searching in attempt to inspire myself

So yes, it han't been such a productive day so far, but not because of the lack of workload in the office, but because I'm still so lost with what I should be doing with myself creatively. I keep having this inward battle with myself - Illustrator vs Graphic Designer, but when it comes to both subject areas I always get stressed out about the purpose of either route. I tried to be productive this Christmas break and channel both sides, just before Christmas I tried exploring my own illustration style which was fun, but also short-lived because how many portraits can you really draw off head. Get's a little repetitive after a while, but I did post them on my Instagram account to motivate me to keep going. I could have continued, but as I keep asking myself what's the point? I'm tired of drawing for the sake of drawing, which is fine if I was looking for illustration to be a hobby, but my love for sugar is the only hobby I really need right now, I'm looking for purpose.

I also tried, and am still doing the '70 Days of Hand Lettering' Challenge, which is pretty self-explanatory, and I will admit that I'm enjoying it so far as I focus on different types of typography rather than hand lettering. I feel like I and typography have been in a long distance relationship for a while, so it feels good to be looking for typefaces again and thinking about how letters can be formed and shaped to communicate different things. Despite there not being a real purpose for this task, I feel like it's a good way to reintroduce to Typography, but in terms of Graphic Design? Well, that's a story for another blog post mate.

Nevertheless, I'm still confused, and it's just so annoying. When I first started GMD, I thought 'this is where I belong, I'm sorted, let's get to the self-development', the briefs gave me direction and purpose, a reason to design, but without those boundaries, I feel so lost. I know a designer is not limited to one route or method of working, but I don't want a case where all I know how to do it respond to something I've been told to do, I also want to be able to brief myself and make work I enjoy making.
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I'm really hoping I'll discover this mystery purpose soon though because time is ticking I think my biggest fear within this year of DPS is not knowing what I'm passionate about by the time the Summer comes around because I really want to make sure year 3 is where I can grow and explore properly, through our Self Initiated and Industry Projects, along with writing a Thesis that I'm confident in, rather than being stressed out and having constant breakdowns. The thought of stress in year 3 gives me chills because after all, it's the final year where everything counts, and just for once, I would love to finish a project where I'm at least 90% satisfied with what I've produced.